Providing a Buddhist example for Children

Doing It – For the Kids
An encouragement to firmly establish one's own practice as an example for younger people.
by Venerable Kusalo

The purpose of the Buddha’s teaching is to be free from suffering and there seems no reason why this goal should not be as equally accessible to children as it is to anyone else? All adults – Buddhist ones at least – should regularly ask themselves ‘How am I to realise the Buddha’s teaching? How am I to be free of suffering in this life?’ What I would like to consider in this article is: ‘How can we, as adults or parents, create the conditions so that children will begin asking these questions of themselves’.

Most people feel that the ‘modern’ world is in a bit of a mess. There seems to be a disturbing combination of increasing crime, decreasing moral values, racial and cultural conflict, political corruption, sexual exploitation; and the list could, unfortunately, too easily go on.

I recall watching a television programme about pornography with my grandmother. I was in my teens and she in her seventies.

I was quite shocked at some things and told her so to which she retorted, ‘Anyone would think that this generation invented sex. We just didn’t talk about it.’ When one reads Buddhist scriptures, it does seem that, even 2500 years ago, there was no shortage of social and political ‘mess’. However, with the advent of radio, television and the digital age, there are indeed certainly plenty of people ‘talking’. The problem does appear enormous and apparently insoluble although, relatively speaking, I would suggest it is actually nothing new.

In response to our increased exposure to and subsequent awareness of the various social problems there is certainly value in formulating laws and setting up education programmes. These can, and should be, set up. However, all the best, collective intentions in the world are so easily wasted unless they are directly supported by wise and compassionate action; led by example.

Society is made up of individuals. Collectively it is you and I who constitute our community and the ‘problem’, ‘the mess’ is in fact not out there but right here. To begin, I would ask: ‘How compassionate are your actions? How wise? What is it that motivates you? As an adult member of society, especially if you are a parent, it is your words and deeds that are the primary building blocks of family and community and these words and deeds are nothing more than an expression of your intentions, your motivations, your own inner world. If this inner, personal world is in a mess then surely this will be the state of the outer world. Children are very sensitive to this and the old adage of ‘Do as I say, not as I do,’ is nothing short of hypocrisy and they too often learn at an early age that suggested morality and practicality are different, separate and often contradictory.

Any enlightened society will, by obvious definition, be peopled by enlightened beings. How is this to be brought about? How is the cycle of ‘drunken, abusive parents having children who ‘learn’ to become drunken and abusive’ (to cite one scenario) going to be broken? Is it the children who must see the error or must those ‘drunken’ parents first make changes in themselves?

Certainly both parents and children must live their own lives, making the most of the circumstances they find themselves in, but children begin with an innocence that disallows choice and I place the responsibility for breaking the cycle squarely with parents. In an ideal, cohesive community this responsibility lies with all adults or elders, who should share this responsibility and provide positive role models for the children.

Children aren’t born with an inherent sense of right or wrong. Realising that fire will burn their hand is something they have to learn, something that their parents need to teach them. In the absence of such teaching the child will be burnt a few times and, assuming a healthy, reasoning mind, it will eventually see for itself the suffering that results from following a particular course of action. The same is no less true for all the ‘fires’ that they will encounter in the world. Unfortunately, in so many of these encounters, the ‘burning’ is delayed and the ‘pain’ – the dukkha – is difficult to directly relate to any specific, previous course of action. This is especially so if their role models aren’t themselves actively avoiding the fires (of greed, aversion and confusion). Habit patterns are then ‘taught’ to children by example, and learned in the absence of healthy alternatives.

Prevention is definitely better than cure but if we are ill, or have been burned, we will seek out some tonic, or some way of changing the conditions so that our pain, our ‘disease’ will recede and, more importantly, not reoccur. The Buddha’s teaching is offered as such a way of changing the conditions that bring about this pain. It is a path of practice, a way of learning; initially to recognise the fires, and consequently avoid being burned in the future.

There is not time here to go into a lot of detail but I would like to consider three summations of these teachings.

• The Buddha’s exhortation at the time of his death:
‘Do good, refrain from wrong and purify the mind.’

• A summary, often referred to as ‘the lay person’s practice’:
‘Dana, Sila, Bhavana’ (liberality, morality, mental development).

• A summary of the Eight-fold Noble Path:
‘Sila, Samadhi, Pañña’ (morality, concentration, wisdom).

Two common elements are found in all three: ‘moral action’ and ‘mental purification’. The latter is entirely dependent on the presence of the former as there can be no inner tranquillity if there is any guilt, remorse or doubt in the mind concerning one’s deeds or lifestyle. So, it is basic moral conduct that is the foundation when considering how to bring about change in our lives, leading to the arising of wisdom and compassionate action in the world.

The problem is ‘the world’ but in a conventional, social context, I am the world, and the problem is me. The Buddha consistently taught that: ‘This world arises right here in this fathom long body and mind.’ I can blame the politicians, this race or that religion, but the mess is a result of my deeds – my actions of body, speech and mind. This is not suggesting that I should be punished or made to feel guilty but to be clear that I must accept personal responsibility for the state of the world. Right now, the conditions that exist in the world are the way they are, so, how can I (you/we/society) best move on from here; developing and maintaining the pure, and abandoning the impure?

Buddhist morality is founded on the five precepts: Not killing; Not stealing; Fidelity; Avoiding incorrect speech; Sobriety. These moral guidelines can be implemented in two ways. There is a passive or non-active way which is just ‘not doing it’ – not killing, not stealing, not committing adultery, not lying or cursing, not taking drink or drugs. There is also a very dynamic and active path of practice; a way of ‘doing it’.

Not killing is practising compassion. One can consciously, actively contemplate the suffering or misfortune of another, or oneself. One can deliberately cultivate feelings of empathy and concern for that being. Such a deliberate process will produce an active desire to alleviate that suffering. One is selflessly motivated to act compassionately; there is a dynamic inclination towards ‘doing it’.

Stealing is usually motivated by greed. This can be actively balanced by practising liberality, generosity (Dana). Giving things of value away not only helps the recipient but it also loosens one’s grip on the world of desire. Some things are easily given but when there is a resistance to give this is an indicator of the things that we are addicted to or obsessed by. Letting go of material attachments is an active practise which can transform mental habits and attachments.

The destructiveness of adultery is obvious. However fidelity, when actively developed as an everyday quality, extends far beyond sexual faithfulness to one's spouse. It encompasses an overall sensitivity to the feelings of others and a responsible devotion to one’s duties and obligations generally. Others observe these qualities and one comes to be seen in society as being worthy of loyalty, respect and trust. This not only brings a peace into one’s own heart but creates positive opportunities for taking an active, leading role in shaping society.

Speech is one of mankind’s greatest treasures, it sets us apart from animals. Its nature is such however, that just a few words can either uplift and inspire a society or lead it into war. Speech is so quick and slippery and is probably the hardest of all the precepts to be perfected. One approach is adopting the position of a ‘listening’ speaker. Enter into dialogue with an attitude of interest in what others might have to say. You already know your views so, rather than jump straight in with them, allow your thoughts to be tempered by the views of others – you may then find good reason to change your mind. One should never be in too much of a hurry to say anything (unless the house is on fire) and one should dispense the treasure of speech with great care.

All aspects of the Buddhist path rely on a clear mind. Whatever one’s mental limitations one should constantly strive to cultivate mental clarity and mindfulness. Drugs are an obvious hindrance and a clouded mind makes one so much less capable of maintaining all the other precepts. The active practice is just saying no.

In conjunction with the active development of virtue – the practice of moral action – one is able to cultivate mental purification. The traditional approach to this inner work is through stillness and silence. Stopping. Meditation. The principle is quite simple. Just stop, look and listen. Your heart and mind can then be investigated in this spaciousness. The results of this investigation lead to wisdom and understanding.

The foundation of the Buddha’s teaching is the ‘Four Noble Truths’ – suffering; its cause (desire); its end (the ceasing of desire); and the path leading to its end. If your investigation into ‘the mess of the (your) world’ is based on an attempt to understand your desires and cravings, and an effort to let them go, you will make steady progress.

It can be difficult sometimes as the things that we desire are close to us not always easy to give away. The most important thing is to actively wish to bring about change in oneself, even knowing that the transition may be painful. You must be prepared to undertake this work.

So, that’s the game plan. Five precepts and meditation. Whatever the theories you may adopt the main thing is applying them; actually ‘doing it.’ As with any plan – whether it be a new exercise routine, dieting, learning the piano, giving up smoking, whatever – you have a clear, well laid out plan … and then … you have to actually … well … do it. And then stumble, and then do it again. Get a bit frustrated, and then do it one more time. It takes practice. Even the Buddha spent many years, if not lifetimes, perfecting his moral virtues and wisdom. And then, I see you doing it, and am inspired; so then I start doing it; and my kids see me doing it and … who knows what they think but the overall result is positive, inspiring and uplifting. Its just a matter of doing it. Doing it for your self, but more importantly … doing it for the kids.